CHARACTER LIST

CLOUDED, a judgmental person, concerned with their public image. Quick to react.

CLEAR, an innocent who sometimes confuses opinions and insults.

SETTING:                                                                  On a packed subway train. The other passengers on the train are the audience, while the two protagonists sit facing the audience. The train only has one seat available.

AT RISE:                                                                    CLOUDED walks onto the stage as if we had just entered a subway train. CLEAR is already sitting in a seat, working on a crossword puzzle.

CLOUDED

Is this seat taken?

CLEAR shakes their head no, and CLOUDED takes a seat. There’s a slight pause, and then CLOUDED shifts their attention to CLEAR’s crossword book and points.

What is that?

CLEAR

(cheerful)

 A crossword.

CLOUDED

What for?

CLEAR

I’m not sure. It’s just a difficult book. So, I decided to give it a try.

CLOUDED

Hm. Looks useless.

CLEAR

I wouldn’t say that. Actually, they’re quite useful. I’ve learned a bunch of new words. I even leave notes on the page any time I find something new. (Scans the page, points) See. Here. Apparently, I learned to spell the word “opinion.”

CLOUDED

You couldn’t spell the word opinion?

CLEAR

It’s a little difficult.

CLOUDED

It’s not difficult. Just sound it out.

CLEAR

Oh, I’ve tried that, and it has never worked. I guess I’m not the best with opinions.

CLOUDED

Well, what’s that word?

CLEAR

Oh, that’s “cruciverbalist.”

SETTING: A sunny July Sunday. Two friends are kayaking in the canal and finding houses they enjoy. 

AT RISE: NICOLE is in the front kayak, while KATHY is behind her but to the side. At the moment, they are not paddling but instead drifting as they look at a house under construction.

 NICOLE

How about that house?

 KATHY

Oh god, why?

 NICOLE

What do you mean why? I think it’s cute. I like the color. 

 KATHY

Cute? It looks like Kool-Aid.

 NICOLE

Well, I happen to enjoy Kool-Aid.

 KATHY

How about you take a sip out of their paint bucket, then?

 NICOLE

You know what, maybe I will.

 KATHY

Tell me how it tastes.

There’s an awkward pause. 

 NICOLE

How about that one?

 KATHY

The one with the weird windows.

NICOLE

They aren’t weird. I think they’re actually quite lovely.

 KATHY

They remind me too much of church.

 NICOLE

How do you know what a church looks like? You don’t even go to one.

 KATHY
(making a point)

 When is church, anyway?

 NICOLE

On Sundays.

 KATHY

Isn’t today Sunday?

 NICOLE

Yes! I’m skipping morning service because you wanted to kayak.

 KATHY

Why do you go to church?

 NICOLE

Because everyone is nice, and you get free food. Besides, I'm curious about the afterlife.

KATHY

Do you believe in the afterlife?

 NICOLE

Yeah.

 KATHY

I’m not surprised.

 NICOLE

What do you mean you’re not surprised?

 KATHY

You went an entire week believing a damn sheet was a ghost because the neighbor kept moving it.

 NICOLE

Well, I have terrible eyesight.

 KATHY

You had your glasses on

NICOLE

(frustrated)

Well…well, it wasn’t my fault she kept moving the damn sheet. She even hung it from a tree, and that tree looked strangely human.

KATHY

It’s all in your head.

                                                          (A beat. Then, pretending she heard a noise…)

What was that?

NICOLE

(frightened)

What was what?

SETTING: A place that isn’t reality, but instead, inside THE PATIENT’S head. The furniture resembles furniture that a therapist would own. There are no bright colors or background sounds—the room is empty except for a couch and a chair. Characters are allowed to move freely when standing.

AT RISE: THE PATIENT lays down on a couch while VOICE I is sitting next to them in a chair.

VOICE I

Have you eaten today?

THE PATIENT

Nope.

VOICE I

Well, did you at least have dinner last night?

THE PATIENT

No. I haven't been hungry.

VOICE I

That’s a lie. I heard your stomach grumble about an hour ago.

THE PATIENT

Must have been a different stomach.

VOICE I

(Sighs)

You’re a terrible liar.

THE PATIENT

And you’re a terrible therapist.

VOICE I

I never said I was a therapist. I’m just a friend.

THE PATIENT

A pretty shitty friend.

Beat.

How’s Bash?

VOICE I

Still hasn’t grown a single inch.